live with no regrets

HAPPY 4th of JULY loves!!

Sooooooo I'm here in SAN DIEGO!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEe :) Finally.. hOMEEEEEEEE sweet home. I absolutely love it!!!!!!The weather is phenomenal.. it's nice and warm. and not HUMID.. no rain!! ehehe.. Yall should of seeeeen how happy i was to see my family... Oh how i've missed them sooooooooooo much! We'll get to that later..


Anywho let's see.. where to start..
WEIGHt LOSS!!
Ahahahah.. so I gained 2 pounds over the last 2 weeks. I haven't worked out because my schedules been kinda hectic.. finals + new boyfriend +coming home to cali.. and honestly.. i've just been dreading it to the point of no return. but I promise i'm not giving up. I'm just.. on a "vaca". So what am i at?
today's weigh in= 150 lbs.
2 weeks ago i reached 148. Not bad. On a good note.. I can feel my metabolism kicking in. That's the benefit of being consistent when working out right? :P.. If you keep working hard.. for a period of time.. and just stop.. Your body will continue to work for a while and your metabolism kind of takes over and gives you a little leway when you're on your vaca. hahaha :]

Ok so lets get on with all else..
So the new boyfriend is.. A-MA-Zing. :] yes indeed. It's still unreal.. our relationship is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO different from any of my past relationships. If only you guys can peek into my head. LOL.
He just.. blows my breath away.
I mean.. we're moving at such a fast pace right now.. and i know i know.. everyone keeps telling me to slow down.. but we can't help it..

STOP.
TIme out.
But i want you guys to know.. that it's not absolutely perfect. I know the last few posts I've made him sound sooooo... movie like right. Which is genuinely how amazing it's felt to me.. BUTTTTTTTT at the same time... those are just a few of our happy times :]

Allen and I are still getting to know each other.. and the reality is.. we're both starting to see our... not so amazing sides.. He's already seen me get pissed.. and likewise. There's nicks and picks of things that get me mad when he does certain things.. and same for him.. but you know.. what ISSS amazing.. how willing he is.. to actually try to work on these things.. like we don't just talk and say "i don't like how you do this" .. and just say we'll change.. we're already.. doing it.. we actuallyyyyy work on it and remind each other...
like he said..
"communication is key"
and it's true.. if you want a beautiful healthy relationship.. communication is key. I love how he sits me right in front of him.. makes me look directly at him with his hand.. and of course my initial response.. look down.. look away... close my eyes :P.. ( he doesn't let me)...
he looks at me.. and with his full attention.. he says.. let's talk about this.

i love it.

I can honestly say.. that I know he genuinely adores me. His eyes don't lie.. he's so gentle with me. He remembers every little thing I say.. I'm so forgetful.. I feel like an idiot sometimes LOL.. cause he remembers absolutely everything!

You know what reallllllllllllllllllllllly makes my jaw drop lately. LOL.
He's opinionated right? and he's confident and very.. dominant..
Well i'm not use to that in a relationship you know? I'm so use to being.. the mom.. and dominating.. wearing the pants in the relationship.. that when we start to butt heads..
allen and I..
I'm a bit baffled. LOL. I can't help but.. just.. be mad.. but at the same time be amused.. ahhhhhhhhhhhahahahahhahaha.. I mean.. I've never had a guy.. be mad at me really.. it's kind of.. crazy! I mean... I'm so use to... guys not having any expectations of me.. which is good.. but at the same time.. i'm intrigued by this... like ALOT..

He gets mad at me.. and gets disappointed with what i do sometimes.. it's funny.. i'm so not use to it.. that i don't know how to react to his reaction... i literally just.. sit there confuzed. LOL!!!

BUTTTTTTTT anyway..

Allen came and spent the whole night with me Thursday night.. he got to my place around 9-10pmish.. we went to Barnes & Nobles to return almost all the makeup books that I bought because I bought them cheaper online.. then we rushed back to my dorm so i could finish packing and cleaning. He took a nap while i got ready.. and at around 3am.. we hopped in the car.. towards the airport =(

when i opened the door to the car.. there was this panda sitting in my seat :) so sweet... Allen bought it for me.. saying that he wanted to give me a temporary something to hold on to... until i got back. then he gave me a card.. that he said is a must not open...until on the plane :P


so we're on our way.. and i'm tired...

we get there........ I loveeeeeeee it when he wears.. casual clothes.. love love love!
falling asleep.. he's so tired... we didn't get to the airport until 5am


last kiss before i left :(. miss him already.

so i got on the plane...

and read his card.

again. speechless. I mean who does that?! What kind of guy... takes the time... to write something so sentimental. Guys hate doing things like that.. i mean.. i could tell by what he wrote.. he was nervous.. and lol i could totally picture him getting frustrated.. trying to write the right things.

unreal what he wrote.

i'd write it out.. but it's a bit personal.. I think me writing about him on the web is and has been crossing the line.. ... LOL.. but ohhhhhhh how i wish you guys could read it.. made my heart skip a beat. literally.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAhahahaha..

look what i came home to!!!!!!

LOL!! One of my best guyfriends ever!! So.. he thought that maybe because I'd lost weight he wouldn't recognize me at the airport.. He ended up going to the wrong terminal and holding up this sign!! AHHHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH. So sad i missed it!!!!! He said he'd waited walking around with the sign.. wrong terminal though.. but so sweet! I LOVEEEEEEEE freddy! He's so frigging hilarious..
Ok run down.. i'm taking to long.
I went shopping with my mamma.. OOOOOOOOOOOO how i love my mamma.. She's so excited for me... my weightloss... my boyfriend.. my school.. it's like she's living it with me.. so she took me shopping.. a first time in such a long time ..I bought my 2nd & 3rd pair of heels/stilettos.. I've got to tell you.. they're AMAZING!

I've never had the confidence to wear them.. EVER... but i'm finally... getting some... guts.. to possibly strut them. LOL. I tried wearing the brown ones yesterday.. OH MY GOLLY!! you guys woulda probably started laughing like no other.. i looked like.. a total NOOB.. LIMPING EVERYWHERE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAhahahahahhahahah ..but they're beautiful aren't they?!

My mom really is so sweet..
she bought it for me.. saying how she hopes that i gain more confidence.. she kept rooting for me while i was walking in them. AHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!! so cute.. i LOVE HER!!!!!!!!1 I went to CCO and bought these two too!! Mineralized skin finish & lipstick in freckletone.. OMGGGGGGGGGGG in love with freckletone.. i might have to get another one.
Anywho!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gotta run... grrrrrrrr i totally didn't blog what i wanted to talk about.. this is what happens when you're rushed.. but i hope you ladies have a WONDERFUL 4th of july!!!!!

I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!
I'll update you asap...
i really want to touch up on some issues later..

<3

home sweet home...

Hey ladies :)
So i'm back from my weekend trip.. which was amazing..
I guess I should start with pictures?

On our way to the beach =] so happy!!

kind of gloomy out though =(


:]
LOOOOOOOOOOOOk!! FARRIS WHEEEL!!

He gave me two thumbs down.. i gave it back to him lol
I think.. you have a booger...
-__________- stop copying me.
HOLY COW! You don't have to pump gas... in jersey krajee huh?! They do it for you.. interesting.. and gas is cHEAPER TOO!
We had calamari.. twice. LOL. i <3>
he loves his seafood.. such an old man. LOL. clams.. scallops.. oysters.. anything seaaaaa he loves
:] his birthday embarrassment at habachi..
the food was soooo good.. except... we barely ate it cause we snacked too much at the boardwalk.

toooo early.. can you tell.. not quiet.. awake LOL
he loves lemonade. like... ALOT.. hahaha
always on the phone..
RIDICULOUS.. we had to pay to get on the beach... WHO DOES THAT?! >.<


ANYWHOOOOOOOOOOOO =) so a run down of the weekend..

Friday night.. I decided to surprise allen... since Saturday was his birthday.. I wanted to do something for him.. aside from the whole weekend trip.. I didn't know what to do.. No car to go shop.. no $$ until i get home.. etc.. so i went to my school bookstore.. LOL.. and walked around for a while looking for something.. to make i guess.
I ended up with this..
LOL
An egg whisk.. that i thought was adorable..
I printed a picture.. of me.. and made it into a goofy picture thingymajigger? I know i know.. not that creative.. but yeah.
Click on the pictures to see moreee detaileeed =]
ANyway.. so then........ I wrapped the egg whisk in... tissue.. and covered it with the rose pedals from the roses he gave me a week ago =)

This is the cake i got him from my school bakery.. sooooooo good.. it was a dark chocolate devil's cake? Not so sweet.. but just sweet enough. yum.
LOL it was funny.. i tried to think of ways to.. surprise him... so.. right after class i rushed back to my room.. and got ready.. I wore the dress that he bought me 2 weeks ago.. set up a little.. table in the middle of my dorm room.. put the cake in the middle.. with rose pedals around it.. then he calls me.. and i tell him to come up for a second to help me.. so then he comes in.. LOL GG we're not allowed to have candles in the room so i held up a lighter.. and sadly i'm horrible at being romantic.. so i couldn't stop laughing.. out of embarrassment.. i sang happy birthday.. and i meant to do it.. seriously but i was just too embarrassed so i ended up singing while laughing.. in KOREAN AHAHAhahahah.

Sooooo then he opens the present.. and yadadadadadada.. it was cute.. although that'll be the last attempt of mine to be somewhat romantic. I'm HORRIBLE AT it LOL.

we rush like crazy cause he bought tickets to watch transformers.. so.. we watch the movie.. which was okay. i was kinda disappointed. but yeah..

The next morning we leave for our trip.. stop by dunkin donuts.. and some hugeeeeeee mall on the way.. i forget what it was called.. but i ended up not getting anything. LOL. NOt that i didn't want to.. but.. i just figured... logically i don't need anything right now.. and with my weight fluctuating.. I don't want to get something and be disappointed with it not fitting you know?
BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guess what!!!!!!!1 It's official.. At hollister... gap.. and forever 21.. and charlotte.. I'm an official size 8. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Sounds cheesy.. i know. LOL
but i've never been a size 8! When i got to school here.. i was still a 13.

Back to the trip.. so we leave the mall.. Allen ended up getting some shoes.. and a shirt from Banana.. He loves Banana :].

We get to our hotel in Jersey.. and head to the boardwalk/beach. Amazing! It was beautiful.. even though the sun wasn't out.. it felt soooooo goooooood to smell the ocean breeze.

Talk about my diet being shot. COMPLETELY SHOT. Allen's about to get me chunky again. oh boy.. we ate so much junk food.. ice cream.. calamari.. candy.. clams.. after the beach he took me to dinner at this nice Habachi restaurant. Soooooo gooooooooood.
I had a mixed drink.. and that completely made me gone for the night. 1 drink!! RIDICULOUS. lol.

Sunday morning.. we went back to the beach and had moreeeeee calamari AHAhaha.. and more clams... and shrimp cocktail.. thennnnnn we left to Fort Lee. He wanted to show me k-town there.. I bought me some fooooooooood to take home.. we ate at a korean restaurant.. had some coffee at a tea house.. then came home..

It was such a nice trip. =] It was so relaxing. I just didn't want to come home.

So yeah.. as far as school.. I'm about to finish skills 3... I have my practical tomorrow.. We have to draw a recipe.. and have 2 hours to execute it for 12 portions. Nervous.

Thursday.. is my last day of class.. then i'm off to summer vaca in cALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I miss home.

and i'm soooooooo glad to be going home.. I leave Friday @ 6:30am.. Allen's taking me.. he took the day off work.. so we'll be leaving the campus around 3am.
Can't wait.
can't wait.
can't wait.

mommy & daddy.. and puppies.. and babies.. and sister & brother.. and brother in law.. WOOOooooo :]

I need to make a video soon.. but haven't had the time.. We'll seeeeeee!!!

i love you allll <3>
don't forget to find me on facebook :]

have a beautiful tuesday loves!
-Jinah

adored.

he simply adores me.

I've never been treated with so much admiration... love.. gentleness.. It's almost scary.. straight out of a movie..
this kind of thing REALLY EXISTS?!
Are you kidding me?!

So we're official.. mr. surprise and i.. LOL.
Oh the surprise.
We've been seeing each other often..
and really.. the surprises are never ending...
I'm flattered. baffled. astonished... and most of all..

speechless

I can't believe how things have been happening! I've been itching to tell you guys.. everything..
cause honestly I now really believe that there ARE guys just like.. straight out of the movies.. guys that dooooooooooooooo do all the fairytale like things.. and... most of all.. that USSSSSSSS girls.. that have never experienced anything like this.. CANNN and WILL experience it one day.. you just have to be patient.. and in the mean while.. do your thing..

it'll happen when you least expect it.

Ok so let's back up!!!!!!!!!!!!! =]
Our first date.. he took me to the river to start the night with a nice evening walk... :] then for dinner we head to a local korean restaurant that i never knew existed. I'd been complaining about my koreannnnnn cravings quiet oftenly. So we have dinner... have some sake.. then we leave the place.. and he takes me to Friendlys. My first time BTW! =]. So we go there.. get some ice cream.. he opens the trunk to his SUV and we tailgate in the parking lot.. lol we literally sat there for like.. 2 hours.. my feet dangling and all.. on a full moon.. just talking.. and laughing.. getting to know each other.. over ice cream. LOL cute right? We end the night meeting his friends at a local irish pub. Dance a lil... laugh alot.. end our first date.

Not bad right? I mean honestly though.. I wasn't like OMGOMGOMG. It was just.. chill.. and interestingly.. i really didn't make anything of it. Now i think back.. and it was so cute..

Anyway.. so we talk throughout the week.. and we start going at it about the lakers vs. magics.. thats where we made the bet.. ahaha...

I win remember? So saturday.. he picks me up.. this is where i was wearing my kim kardashian look.. We go to the mall.. and i tell the girls at the counter what happened.. they're like.. how much or how many things can she get!? His response... let her get whatever she wants.

WHOA! :] I'm already.. smiling... and at this point.. i'm cheesing like no tomorrow... come on now.. Us girls.. MAC?!!? Can't get any better than that right?! So I end up picking the 4 things.. then he goes..
"Well we have an hour to burn before dinner.. so.. let's take you shopping"

time out!!!!!!!!!!
You shoulda seen my face.. my reaction.. Uh....
first of all.. an hour before dinner?! Where the heck are we eating to.. have to wait an hour!! And secondly.. shopping.. are you kidding me.. am i dreaming?!

LOL.
So then he takes me to every possible girl store there is.. and keeps asking me if i want anything.. I'm so nervous.. and so.. speechless.. that i can't even pick out anything. I walked around in circles.. like an idiot. LOL.

So then... we settle with the dress.. cause i try it on.. and show him.. and he just.. well.. yeah. LOL
he shook his head with such a firm yes. hahahah i couldn't pass it up.

:]
We rush back to the car.. and he takes me to this UBBBBBBBBBBBBEr cute french restaurant!! My first... white linen... type of restaurant.. Cute candle light dinner.. he had made reservations.. and ahhhhh.. it was just amazing.. we had wine.. and a phenomenal dinner.. What was crazy.. was that I could readdddddd have the items on the menu.. understand what it was andddddddd know how to make it! Insane right?!?!? What an experience. It was romantic.. and sensational..
We had a ricotta cheesecake afterwards that didn't.. impress either of us.... buttttttt everything else def. made up for it :]

After dinner we had some more wine over a movie at his friends apt. We watched "He's just not into you". Which btw i think is TOTALLY appropriate if any of you are single.. and are looking to date. LOl the movie was ridiculously realistic... and hysterical at the same time.

End date 2. :]

So over the next few days.. and what not.. is when i get sick... and he ends up taking me to target.. to not only get medicine.. but buys me a new pillow.. towels.. an iron.. more towels.. a full size body mirror.. etc.

spoiled i tell you.
and so appreciative.

I mean... i'm grateful for everything beyond.. words.. but i mean.. what gets me is how much.. he thinks about what i might need.. that he wants to do this for me.. that he does do this for me..

the act of doing it.. without ever asking.. is just.. ::sigh::

SO yeahh.. we've been going on lil mini dates very very oftenly.... we watched the proposal last night. HIlariousssssssssss.. ice cream has become a frequent of ours.. even though he doesn't enjoy it as much.. He knows though how i loveeeeeeeeeeee ice cream.. and apparently he's fascinated by how it makes me happy.. LOL.

He's growing on me so incredibly fast.. it's... just.. unrealistic.
The little things he does..

He always.. kisses my hand.. while he drives.. or even while we're watching a movie...
He always leads the way...
He always.. opens the door.. literally.. always..
He won't ever let me carry anything for the death of me...
He surprises me.. calls me at 9-10 in the morning... and shows up randomly to feed me breakfast that i havent had.. for months..
He gazes at me.. and tells me... i'm amazing.. that i'm beautiful..
He comes up behind me... while i'm shopping. and just.. towers over me..
He introduces me to his friends.. like i'm a diamond in a ruff..
He never leaves my side.. when we're out.. ever.
He stops.. eating.. during dinner.. to listen to me..
He kisses my forehead..
He tells me the truth.. of a matter.. the logics.. the harsh truth.. and has his own opinion..
He supports what i do.. and my passions..
He buys me flowers...

All of this.. in a span of a month.

What makes me smile about him..
The way he drives..
The way he carries himself..
The way he approaches people professionally... and confidently..
The way he's quiet and keeps to himself at times..
The way he's reserved..
The way he's opinionated in a matter of fact kind of way..
His unexpected sense of humor..
His willingness to do whats out of the ordinaire for me..
His ability to hold a intellectual conversation..
His respect for his mom..
The way he's so extremely responsible..

:sigh:
I can go on and on..

but i'm getting sleepy.. lol.
So i'll tell you guys more later..
Cause everyday is another day of getting to know him..
and i'm overwhelmed by how much i'm already experiencing.

BUTTTTTTTT i'm excited.. cause he has a surprise weekend trip planned for us THISSSS coming weekend!!! :] 4 more days!!
All i know.. is that it's on a beach... and he's taking me shopping..
andddddd we're stopping by Jersey cause he's taking me to k-town there...
I'm gonna ask him tomorrow if we can stop by Queens so i can have dinner with tiffany :] cause i really wantt someoneeeeeee to meet him.

He's absolutely amazing.
Oh the flowers by the way..
I got it today..
He pulled it off so slick. LOL
He came to pick me up right after class.. me stinking like the kitchen and all..
and while he's sitting in the car.. he says heyyy can you get something from the trunk for me..
So i go to the trunk and there.. :] flowers.
Slick right?!!? LOL..

Speechless.
I haven't gotten roses.. in so long.. i don't even remember when the last time was.. my graduation maybe? Or was it when i was 16.. something like that..

AHHHHHHHhhh duh.. and something as silly as tonight.. he just came to see me for a bit.. he just bought another car.. so we went out driving just to spend some time together..
We ended up driving to rhineback which is this uberrrr cute little town.. that just... looks like it's straight out of a movie.. might i remind you it's 9pm though.. We get there.. and we just... walk.. hand in hand.. with no one else on the streets except cop cars driving by once in a while.. Lamps on everywhere... little shops closed.. but this cute ice cream parlor was open... so once again he buys me ice cream.. we settle down under a lamp.. on a bench.. and talk.. about nonsense.. for an hour and a half.. laughing about wth we were doing..
a first.. :]..


K ladies! I'm off to a good night sleep.
I'll tell you some funny stories next time.

Good night!!!
OH YEAH! WAit!!

BTW. Weightloss.
I'm at 149.
HOLY SHIT RIGHT?!?!
149!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ohhh and just a quick picture of him :] just to give you an idea.. a face i guess you can call it to the person thats... treating me like i've never been treated before..

seriously.. so speechless.




OHHHHHHHHHHH another thing BTW! -_______-;
So my facebook is complete.. I finally uploaded all 4059830495 pictures of diff. makeup looks.. add me? follow me? I'm more of a facebook addict.. rather than twitter.. i don't know why? Twitter just doesn't get me as much as facebook does :]

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jinah-Chae/93010966879?ref=mf

simply amazing.

My life.. is changing so rapidly..
school... weight... relationships.. habits.. etc.
one word..

content.

I really do feel so fortunate for everything that I have & am experiencing. Really.
For all the love that I get especially from you guys. It amazes me how people even watch me on youtube! :]. sincere gratitude.

If i could buy you allllllllllll a cup of cold stone coffee ice cream with roasted almonds in it... or yogurt world vanilla yogurt with frozen cheese cake chunks.. and fresh strawberries.. i TOTALLY would! that's how much i love you guys!

but yeah.. ever since my kim kardashian video.. I've been sick =(. AGAIN. blah. I don't know who i got sick from.. cause noone i know is sick... but it's been pretty bad.. fortunately.. a friend..of mine has been taking care of me.. he not only brought me some medicine.. but also brought me a first aid kit.. then bandaged up my finger for me =].

Soooooo because i've been sick.. I haven't been to the gym for the last 5 days. I went yesterday though since i feel somewhat better. OOOOoooooo let me tell you!! it.. was... HARD!!!!!!!! holy moly... i only did half the amount of workout that i usually do.. and i practically died.. i was drenched.. exhausted. HOW THE HECK did i do my normal routine on a day to day basis. MAN! ANNNNNNNNNNND last night.. i kid you not.. my leg.. kept cramping like 5-6 times in a span of 2 hours. LOL. you shoulda seen me.. my body was like.. relax... CRAMP.... SHIT!! ahahahaha.. relax... cramp.. CRAP!! ahahahahhaha


anyway. weightloss summary
starting weight May 1: 163.8
yesterday July 19: 150.0 weight loss: -13.8 amazing right?

Haven't been at 150.. since i was in junior high school. it's phenomenal!! ANDDDDDDDDd. HOLY COW!!!!! I can wear mediums!!!!! LOL.... Large is out of the picture baby!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! and and and and!! guess what!! I wear 27 pants.. at forever 21!! OHHHHHHHHHH my GOSHHHh!! I don't know if i sound crazy.. but this... is absolutely crazy for me.. 27 is equiv. to about 7-8!!!!! Might i remind you.. i reached a size 16 2 years ago... and even when i moved out here.. i was wearing 11-13... so this.. is just... yeah. I have 2 weeks till i go home.. ecstatic.

Ok so a few last things i want to share before i jet.. Soooooooo... my... "friend" we'll just call him.. mr. surprise ahahaha.. anyway we made a bet over the lakers vs. magics... and i won.. so... LOL... my reward was MAC shopping.. amazing right?! yes. you have no idea. WHO DOES THAT!?! what kind of guy makes a bet over mac makeup.

seriously... have never been treated... so delicately.. and genuinely... it's unreal...
.... :].... he.. adores me. :)

i'm waiting... to explode and tell you guys details about everything.. but i'm going to wait.. until things settle down.. Anyway. What i got!! -1 MSF in medium dark? -1 Viva Glam 5 lipstick -2 eyeshadows. cork & naked lunch and.. he bought me a dress... :]
I absolutely love everything I got.. the MSF is a tad dark.. but it's ok.. summers coming up so it'll be perfect.. plus i could just use it like a bronzer or a contour.
The lipstick... is beautiful.. a very wearable color anyday.. and as far as the 2 eyeshadows.. well.. they're neutral!! I love my neutral!!

Okeys.. so here's pictures of my kim kardashian look. Hope you guys like it :]






Okeyyyy doke!
I gotta jet. but last thing..
For those of you who've mentioned wanting to send me... a letter or a love package or love in general! Ahahaha!
Here it goes again! :]
My mailbox... i'll post it up for a few days again.. but i'll be taking it down soon... so write it out =]
buttttttt quick reminder.. if you send me anything.. make sure to send it to me soon.. as i'm going back to cali for 3 weeks.. I leave July 3.. so it needs to get here before than otherwise =( the school will send it back to you.. and i'll be sad. BOOOOOOOO!

Esther Chae
CBN # 2142
1946 campus drive
Hyde Park NY 12538

have an amazing friday ladies!
With love,
Jinah

learning to love myself.

“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

Hey loves,

So it's that time again. I've been going on these rancid mood swings lately.. nothing like pms or anything.. But one second I'm supppppppppppper happy..and the next I'm.. just.. mellow.
It's a real downer. I've been thinking the last few days about wth the problem is... cause truthfully it sucks. Why can't I be gidddy giddy all day? I loveeeeee being in a good mood and really it spreads like wildfire when people are around you.

Well I've been digging deep.. and as ugly as it is.. I've come to realize it all comes back down to self esteem. Yeah I've been losing weight, yes school is amazing, yes I'm becoming more proactive.. but still.. I just don't seem to love myself as much as i should. Ironic isn't it? I mean I mentioned a few posts ago about stop bringing yourself down... yet I'm still doing it.

It's going to get odd from here on out. LOL. bare with me.

I find that I tend to bash myself.. when people compliment me. Why?! That makes no sense right? I mean.. my best guyfriend at school.. who btw is amazing.. always tells me.. "You amaze me"... my initial response.. a quick punch to the arm.. a "shut up".. followed by me turning my back.. putting my head down.. and blushing. Oh boy. and you know.. it's not even just when guys compliment me like that.. it's.. anyone.. even the girls at school.. when they say something about my videos.. it's so hard for me to look at them in the eye and say.. thank you. I immediately blush.. and even tell them to shut up. LOL.. not out of being rude.. but thats just... how I am?

I don't know why.. but when someone compliments me... I feel like it's undeserved.. and i'm unworthy of the compliment.. I really need to stop. It's not good for me. But I can't help it!

Ok here's comes the icky stuff.
Bottom line.. I think I'm a people pleaser.. as much as I don't accept compliments.. deep down inside I'm fueled by them. I don't necessarily accept the compliment but somehow it makes me happy.. and i get energized by it.
You know what that is? bad bad bad.. bad.. bad... habit.

I shouldn't have to receive a compliment to be fueled.. I mean I don't get cocky about those kind of things.. but somehow it just.. transfers into energy..

To get to the nitty gritty.. i think it comes down to acceptance. I think when i was young.. i was made fun of so bad.. that even now.. till this day.. i feel like i have to work to be accepted.. which is why i think I've worked myself so hard... not for myself.. but to be accepted.

Oh.. the fat girl mentality needs to go. Really. I need to stop.. and accept myself for who i am.. for what i am..

I shouldn't care what other people think of me.. I shouldn't have to have people say something to me to feel accepted.

Outcome... is the quote i posted above.

I need to love myself first and others will love me. Not the other way around.
I shouldn't have other people love me first.. to love myself.

Acceptance. It's a hard concept.

Do i make any sense at all?


To give you guys an insight on how bad.. my insecurities are..
about a year ago.. i was talking to one of my guyfriends.. who's also like my mentor.
We were talking about communication.. and people skills because I wanted to learn to network better... and he really struck a sore spot.. cause he was saying how I had horrible habits.

Literally.
When someone looks at me, despite who they are.. guy or girl... grandma or grandpa.. little boy.. whatever.. I look down. Even my ex .. when he use to look at me.. i'd yell at him and say stop looking at me. Not because i didn't want him to look at me.. but because I felt insecure about it.

How bad is that?! It's pretty bad. I really do walk alot with my head down. It's hard for me not to look at my feet at times when I get shy.. or I just turn my back completely. I blush hard. I shouldn't... I really shouldn't..

So to work on it.. my friend use to purposely stare at me hard when we met up.. without blinking.. and jeez luiz.. even though i KNEW he was doing it on purpose.. I'd STILL hit him and run away.. and just hide. LOL. SERIOUSLY.

I hide.
::sigh::
Why..

You know what else?
So i don't know if you guys noticed.. how i took down the relationships posts.. which was a mistake on my part for even posting it.. because it really is a bit personal.. but you know.. with my life changing so much right now.. I guess.. I am starting to get attention from guys.. i THINK.. i'm so in denial at this point that i can't even tell. lol.

but i mean.. that's how bad it is! I'm in denial still! I don't know whether i'm getting attention cause guys are desperate.. or if they're really interested.. but instinctively i still keep thinking..

I'm not good enough. WTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! makes no sense right?! GOLLY WHERE THE HELL IS MY PRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone hit me in the head please.


I mean how ridiculous is this.
Even today!! Like a few hours ago.. I was sitting outside.. talking to a bunch of korean kids.. and one of the guys... was talking to me.. we were all talking about relationship preferences... in a.. joking way.. who we prefer to date. lalalal.. so one of the guys.. asks me.. what kind of guy are you interested in?

OKKKKK so this is how bad it was..
First. I thought.. who's the guy talking to? *look around
Next i thought.. why is he asking me?
Next thought.. Holy crap.. a KOREAN fob.. is talking to me?! (and i say this because i have the worst luck with korean fobs.. because i'm chunky.. they tend to judge me.. and make fun of me more)
and whaaaa he's not talking to me out of pity?!?! He's actually talking to me! WTH
WHOAAAAAAAAAAA... thennnnnnn because he was like.. looking at me dead on.. I started like turning around.. and just saying.. hMMMmm mo lah mo lah (i don't know i don't knowww).. and blushing. LOL!!

Pretty bad right?!! I wasn't even blushing out of flattery.. i was blushing.. cause.. he was looking at me.



I'm going to work on this. Really.
I want to be able to say.. that I love myself. I really do.
The last time.. when i was with my mentor friend.. he tried to make me say.. that I love myself out loud. and i failed.
miserably.
it got to the point..
where i started crying.

None of that.
Really.


ANYWAY!!!!!!!!
This topic was very personal.. but I like.. showing you guys my true colors.. I am me. You know? I feel it very humbling.. and it's a growing process that I hope to show you ladies.

:]

On a diff note.
Weight loss wise.. I hit 12.4 on friday.. but I'm back to 11... I think it's partially cause I've been weight training. But i'm not too bothered by it. :] It's endurance that counts.

Tomorrow is my written final.. wish me luck.
Friday is my cooking practical (actual cooking test... where I prepare a dish for Chef) then.. I'm off to Skills 3.. a more detailed composition plating class (crazier dishes.. with alot more requirements.. etc.)

Good night ladies :]

Here's some randommmmmmmmmm eye candy :]
for you guys!

Saute Rainbow Trout Meuniere sauced with beurre meunier, served with boiled wild rice in fresh chicken stock.. a veg medley of mushrooms, golden beets, caulifloweretts, brussel sprouts & carrots.. topped with freshhh parsley
Chicken Fricassee served with mash potatoes, broccoli flowerettess & a veg medley of peas, pearl onions, mushrooms & bacon

Braised Short Rib with soft polenta, roasted turnip, carrot & rutabega.. and pan buttered jumbo asparagus :]

My girlfriend Liz.. before.. how she normally does her makeup
After :] classic smokey eye.
More old photoshoot pictures.. not that old.. like.. 4 months old :]
Pinup.. retro look


More inspirational pictures. You guys will probably see alot.. as i dig through my old pictures. SCARY!


I plan.. to NEVER go back.

When i was 19.
When i was 18..
20...
20...

=( ... i miss boba..
20.... last year... July 2008 (21)

2 weekends ago!!

k :]
Good night loves!! <3

another day

Chef grading my food based on flavor, presentation, method =]

yummy yummy yummy!!!!!!!!
Whole Roasted Chicken with made from scratch gravy, served with sauteed broccoli rahb, ratatouille & roasted red bliss garlic herb potatoes. :::drool:: was soooooo friggin good!!




Ok first is first.
So remember, my workout/diet started exactly 1 month ago.
Refresher: 5'5 in height.

May 4= 163.8 lbs.

Today's weigh in June 4= 152.8 lbs.
Weight loss= -11

WOOOOOOOOooo =] FINALLY over the 10 pound mark. YAYYYY!! I gotta tell you guys.. It's been HELLLLLLLLLLLLL the last few days.. or the last week.. My workouts have been hard.. I mean I'll do my routine.. and well.. I stopped sweating as much as when i first began.

Which is whyy the last 4 days I've switched it up completely.
Seriously.. my body is aching and my routine right now. I hate it!! buttttt it's working!
What do i do differently?

Well remember, I use to do 10 min. of stairmaster and 20 min. on ellipticals. Thennnn I ended up doing 30 min. of ellipticals cause it seemed easier. LOL. BAD MOVE.

The last 4 days.. I've been doing 15 min. on stairmaster.. and i increase the speed every 2 minutes starting at level 5... then I do 10 minutes of running. I'll actually incline it up to 13.. and power walk, then i'll lower the level back to 1 and run.. etc.etc. Finally i finish off doing 20 minutes on the ellips.

It's hard as HECK! I want to shoot myself at times. LIke once i get on the ellipticals.. i seriously just.. want to die. LOL BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT it's called perserverance right?! You just HAVE to do it!!

I've been getting alot of questions on asking howwwwwwww you get motivated. You have to findddd motivation in yourselffff to just DO IT. I'm telling you, don't let yourself think. Don't let yourself calculate for the future. JUST DO IT. No excuses. No, I need motivation. JUST dooooooo the motivation. Once you get moving.. force yourself.. you'll start losing weight. It's the act of doing it that just motivates me. I do it.. and when i'm done.. I'm so proud of myself and i think hey, it wasn't that bad! I can do this!

Sit down and think for a bit. You really gotta dig deep if you want to lose weight. IT's not just about losing weight either. You have to change your lifestyle you know? Losing weight is all about habit. A Lifestyle change. Think positive tooooooooo =] Cause based on what I'm hearing from you ladies.. you guys are doing PHENOMENAL! Really! I'm so proud of all of you! You guys totally make my day when i read your comments and know that you all are also cringing in pain at the gym. LOL

WE CAN DO THIS!!


Ok i'm about to run late to class so i'll update you guys soon again =]

Opening my eyes!

Heyyyyyyyy loves!!
It's been a few days huh?!

Sooooooo.. lets see where to start.. weightloss.
BLABLABLA. lOl. i'm stuck at 154.0 lbs. I actually reached 153.8 on friday which made it a weightloss of -10lbs.. but i'm fluctuating again =]

The good thing is, I'm really not tripping about it. I'm proud of the 9. something pounds i've lost! I'm working my ass off you know?! Anyway.
The gym was HORRIBLE today. IT was sooooooo hard.. and because i'm at a plateua, i decided that i'd change it up a bit. I raised my cardio level a few levels higher and I did more stair master rather than elipticals to throw my body off. We'll see if that works. Plus I'm doing abs and arm workouts to balance it out.

Ok so if you guys didn't see my video.. look what my friend Caroline sent me from Cali!!!1 Isn't she freaking sweet?!!? Lots and lots of good food! Bummer.. i'm on a diet.. and i can only it some on the weekends but.. I absolutelyyyyyy love everything!!

ANDDDDDDd look what Petite got me!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT. seriously.

speechless.
I've never had someone buy me makeup before.. and I haven't even bought any makeup in more than a few months.. because i'm BROKE!!! Broke till i get home. =(
The pigments are all MAC pigment samples!! anddd she bought me 2 lip sticks.. and 2 glosses!! plus the mascara!!!!

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're amazing seriously. I appreciate it to the MPH power!! =] and i'm having such a blast playing with it all! Especially the pigments & the lipsticks! They're freaking awesome!!
Random pictures!!

My first whole composition plate!! WOOO! Poached salmon served with croquette potatoes topped with parsley, with a variety of julienne veggies & sauteed green beans yum!!

School= wonderful. Family= amazing. Friends= I'm starting to make good life long friends. Relationships= I'm ready to be amazed!

K i gotta go to class but enjoy the rest of your days ladies!
BlogTV will come sometime this week when i get the chance =] LOVEEEEEEEE YOU ALLLLLLLL <3>